Photo by Timothy Eberly on Unsplash
When it comes to Men’s Self-Help, The Hardest Battle You Are Fighting is the One Between Your Ears.
Got a problem? You’ve got exactly three options: fight it, accept it, or change it. Sounds simple, eh? Do you really need to be reading an article about men’s self help? On how to improve your life as a man? How to solve problems? Probably, or you would already be doing what I’m going to suggest. Don’t worry, you’re not alone. Men suck at asking for help. You’ve arrived at the right place.
I don’t give a shit how tough you are. When faced with a problem – any problem – the hardest battle you will ever fight is the one between your own two ears. Read that again. There is nothing in this world as hard as winning the battle for your own mind, especially when you’ve got your mind in a negative-thinking, problem-focused chokehold. That’s why so many men lead lives filled with constant tension, anxiety, resentment, and anger. We fight problems instead of looking for solutions. What kind of life is that? Not much of one. Let’s get to work on changing that.
You Have Three Choices
Men’s self-help doesn’t need to be complicated. I think of it like a tune-up. You’ve got options: some will fix your problem, some won’t, and others make your problem bigger. Think of your problem as a broken down car. Again, you’ve got three choices:
Option 1: Get pissed off that your car is broken down. Fight it, worry about it, complain about it, blame the manufacturer, complain and whine, obsess about the problem, tell everyone you know what a P.O.S. your car is, and do nothing. Recall you are choosing to stay pissed off and live in the problem.
Option 2: Accept that your car is broken down: Let’s say you’ve got a slow oil leak. You could decide not to fix it. Is that wise? Probably not, but that is an option, and it wouldn’t kill you (though it might ruin your engine; oil leaks don’t magically get better or go away.) Acceptance does not equal agreement, and does not mean you have to like the problem. It simply means you’ve agreed that this problem, this thing, will now be part of your life and you will live with it. Sounds simple, doesn’t it? Not so fast.
Option 3: Change it (if you can): Most mechanical problems have solutions, but you often get so laser-focused on the problem itself you neglect to look for any solutions. Don’t like it? Change it. If the problem is a small oil leak, buy a service manual or watch a YouTube video. It’s highly likely you could find the source of the leak: a dried out oil pan gasket, drain plug crush ring, or loose oil filter – but you’ve been so focused on the oil leak you’ve forgotten about the possible solutions. Even if the problem is bigger than your skill set, at least you tried.
Choose Change
The answer to your problem does not exist in the problem itself. Like the two fighters in the image above, the man on his back could be at a disadvantage if he only focuses on being on his back. Skilled grapplers are very effective fighting off their backs. When he begins to look for a way out – a solution to his problem – the solutions begin to multiply. In 12-step recovery, this is often called living in the solution, though this idea is not limited at all to recovery. Themes of living in the solution are sprinkled into the Bible, Stoic teachings, Eastern Philosophy, and dozens of other teachings.
If you are stacking problems and complaining how bad you’ve got it, what are you doing to find solutions? Sitting in front of the T.V. won’t fix your problems, neither will sleeping, drinking, or smoking it away. When viewed correctly, problems become opportunities to cut your teeth, lace up your boots, and give it hell. Are you still worrying and complaining? Stop it. Men’s self help need not be complicated. Break free from the problem chokehold. Action is the key to feeling better, so get off your ass and look for solutions.
See you in the shop,
Paul
